The Eight Things to Check Before Any Beer Pong Game
1) The Beer – What are you drinking? Make sure that it’s cheap, but not too cheap, and that you don’t accidentally grab a nearby cup filled with whiskey (a pleasant surprise) or a cigarette (even better).
2) The Cups – Make sure they’re filled high enough, for those of you who don’t know, two is standard, three is better, four is too much. If you puss out and only do a little in each, a line drive shot will send the cup straight to your shoes.
3) The Table – You can pretty much play beer pong on anything, a fold-out, a surfboard, two chairs and a stolen road sign, whatever. But know your table, especially if you’re playing with the douche-tastic bounce rule. You want to know how much bounce you’ve got before you attempt a trick shot and you look like a tool.
4) The Water Cup – People don’t often understand that water cups have to be changed. This is especially true if you’re playing either A) outside or B) in your friend’s dirty ass apartment. After about the third game, the water cup will be so full of dirt, leaves and hair, it’d be more sanitary if you gave it a spit shine yourself.
5) The Environment – It may sound stupid to take stuff like wind into account, but it’s a ping pong ball, not a golf ball, the wind will affect it significantly more. Also, never play on a balcony, the ball rolls off and you have to run three flights down for the game to be able to start again.
6) Your Partner – There are two strategies to selecting a winning partner. The first is obvious, you’re best bud who totally kicks ass at pong and when the two of you team up you destroy everyone in your path. But if he’s not available, the strategy is simple, find a chick with huge boobs. Any male competitors will be distracted, and even females will as well if they’re big enough. Foolproof.
7) Your Form – Pick a style and stick with it. Don’t flop around between “all-knees,” all-arm,” “all-wrist,” “loft-shot” and “line drive.” Just pick one, and eventually you’ll find your groove in that style. And then stay with it the rest of your life.
8) Your Attitude – It’s only acceptable to trash talk the opposing team if they’re your friends. If it’s two random kids who just wandered into your house from off the street, then play nice, you can win and not be a dick about it. However, the exception to this rule is if they’re from your rival school. Tear their every move apart until they run home crying.